||TEN KEYS TO EVALUATING AND DISCERNING WHO THE
RIGHT MATCH FOR YOURSELF IS
- Thursday, November 2, '00 - Parshas Noach 5761
In the previous installment we looked
at the aspect of selecting one's mate pertaining to what healthy attraction is and
prospects for one's general selection criteria in a partner for a durable marriage.
In this installment we will move on to the step of evaluating indications in the actual
relationship for whether a person might be "the right one."
When I do live singles presentations and workshops, these are questions of considerable
concern to audience members. In addition, they often express frustration with many of the
common hardships experienced, especially by older singles. So, let me also add here a few
words of encouragement and comfort. For example, many complain that they find many people
out there who are not as nice as they should be. To this I say that you should concentrate
on being the best and most marriageable person you can be. Increase your merit in both
practical and spiritual terms so that G-d, the ultimate Maker of all matches, should see
you as a ready "kailee (utensil)" for your soul-mate. One more example is people
feeling ready to "give up." No - do not give up. The Talmud only refers to
giving up in one kind of case. If your wallet falls into the ocean (i.e. if you lose
property in a way that, in nature, you can expect to never get it back), then we say it is
normal to give up. Otherwise keep plugging and strong!
1. The person behaves with fine midos (character traits, particularly the ones upon
which a lasting, successful relationship depend; e.g. respect for self and others,
responsibility, trustworthiness, humility, peacefulness, kindness, compassion, softness
and good heartedness) and behaves with derech eretz (decent, polite, thoughtful behavior).
2. You feel comfortable and secure with the other person. Neither of you needs to put
on any phoney act, to lie about or hide your imperfections or feelings, to hesitate about
expressing yourself nor to make unnatural effort to be impressive, acceptable or
3. The real (inner) you is able to relate to the real (inner) person in the other. The
primary level of relating is heart-to-heart (not to wallet, talent, looks or other
self-serving worldly benefits).
4. You enjoy the other's company, get along well and look forward to seeing each other
when apart. Note: it is an unhealthy sign to miss the person when apart and to want to go
apart when together!
5. You enjoy doing kind and thoughtful things for the other person, without asking for
or expecting remuneration. You care for the other person as much as you do for yourself.
You feel his/her pain or happiness and his/her feelings or will are as important as your
own. Therefore, bending your will to please him/her, to save him/her from hurt, to give of
yourself or to get along well is not a significant problem for you. You want the other to
be happy and it makes you happy to make the other happy. If a thing is important to the
other, that is enough to make it important to you. You are more interested in having a
commitment relationship with this person than frightened or put-off by the demands or
limitations imposed by commitment.
6. You communicate well, comfortably, effectively and honestly, without inhibition. You
steadily achieve understanding which promotes the well-being and development of the
7. You have compatible religious ideals and life direction and goals.
8. You attribute importance and weight to the person. You respect the person very much
- more than you love the person. You willingly and rapidly act to relate to and to respond
to the will, feelings, needs and taste of the other person, without hesitation or feeling
judgmental nor imposed upon - not only out of the emotion of love, but because you respect
the person more than you respect yourself.
9. You care for and relate to the entire person. You accept or complete each other's
(non-damaging) shortcomings. You voluntarily give from each other's strengths to make your
partner and your "team" stronger, happier, better and more productive.
10. You want to bring each other to each one's goals and potential, and you both want
to help each other to grow and to be happy.